Raaaaah

Sometimes I feel that I put too much in, and get nothing out of it. It's annoying, it really is. This isn't just concerning work and school, but the way I am as a friend as well. I know this seems overly selfish and self-centred. I really do try my hardest to support, have fun and care about all my friends, but sometimes it just feels like all my work never gets returned. It's not that I don't enjoy doing things for them, sure I enjoy baking a cake for their birthday or organising a trip to see a show or a day out. But no one ever does this in return to either Charlotte or I. It's just always left up to us to sort things out, organise them and make things right. Sometimes I feel like I'm just there to be used. I know I'm not, but after some days, it just feels that way. And I don't want to say anything for fear of seeming selfish and all that.

Either I am just way out of line here, or I just do too much.

Okay that rant over another beings. (which too, might make me seem very up my self and vain, but I promise I am not attempting to do this. These are just my thoughts)

It's always been a dream for me to go to Cambridge and study, and I had visited a few times and fallen in love with the place. I have worked hard at school and become part of the Oxbridge group who receives tuition in the interview process and the written tests. Then I went to Oxford, just to see. I feel in love with that place too. Now I feel like I am cheating on Cambridge if I choose Oxford. That is just one of my problems. Which to choose. Students from either will obviously say their university and college are best, so my problem lies unsolved.

Anyway for a while I have thought that it wouldn't be THAT great to go there and I would probably rather go to somewhere in London like UCL. But the thing is, I really really really do. And the thing with that is that, it's really really really hard to get into. I feel like I'm not good enough, and fear that if I do go there, everything I say will be wrong. Plus, if I don't get in, I feel like I will not only be letting myself down, as I will just 'regret' not working hard enough, and also letting down everyone else including my parents.

Doing the IB means I only have one shot at the exams. If I fail or do badly then that's my own fault and will either have to settle for somewhere else or retake the whole two years again. Which really is not an option.

I really just had a realisation yesterday that I have always wanted to go to university and if I don't get in anywhere, I will probably just die internally for a few months.

Just read this back, and realised I sound really egotistic, but I do want to go. A lot.

On the plus side it's my birthday tomorrow :)