Saturday, 13 November 2010
I have never been as stressed as I am now. Everything keeps mounting into this impossible mountain that not even the best mountaineer can maneuver efficiently. Whenever I'm out and about I forget about it, but then I come home and there is a massive weight which comes with stepping into the house, a consent pressure on me. I can't just sit and do nothing anymore, every moment has to be filled and cannot be wasted. I want to slow down, to stop and sit and just stare out of a window. I can't help but think that all my anxiety and sadness is just selfish and self-involved. I want to keep myself closed off, yet I want people to pity me. I don't know how I feel. I just feel like I am under an enormous amount of pressure, not just by my parents, but also by myself. I try telling myself that if I don't end up at my dream university it is because I am not suited to that environment and in truth I know I'll be happy where ever I end up. Yet still I feel so disheartened and deflated about everything. Constantly in the shadows in my own small home.